Cullen Cliches
by xxfanpirexx
Summary: A cliché is a phrase, expression, or idea that has been overused to the point of losing its intended force or novelty. It is frequently used in modern culture to reference an action or idea that is expected or predictable based on a prior event.
1. Driving

_**Driving**_

_**By xxfanpirexx**_

_**Cliché type: Car stunts**_

_**POV: Bella**_

_**Story type: In character**_

Edward and I had just finished watching a movie in Port Angeles, and we were walking to the Volvo, parked in a strip mall parking lot a few blocks away. My breath billowing out in great clouds, while Edward's temperature was so similar to that of the air, that his breath was not visible.

"Did you like the movie, Edward?"

"Bella! That movie was _so_ fake! I mean, come on! If you got stabbed with a penknife, a huge gush of blood would not go shooting 20 feet, splurting out like a fire hose!"

"How do you know?"

"Bella, think about that one."

Thinking…

Thinking…

Thinking…

Oh! Edward's a vampire, so he would probably know what blood would look like, shooting out of a body. Oh God. That came out wrong.

"Oh. OK, well, besides that, did you like it?"

"There was also the fact that whenever the car that the hero was driving needed to jump over something, he would drive into a parked car, and he would effectively fly over whichever barrier he needed to. And then, parked car wouldn't move an inch! Just sit there, and have nothing happen to it! The windows wouldn't break, the car wouldn't fold like an accordion… hell, it wouldn't even wiggle! It's ridiculous!"

"Edward, what if they do that on purpose? What if they assume that because its so unrealistic, that people would know it was green screened, or done in miniature, or something, so they wouldn't bother doing something retarded."

"That doesn't stop some people."

"Ok, Edward, I admit, it is an overused cliché, but there is a chance that the car just might _ not _get totaled!"

"Yes Bella, because two tons of steel and aluminum going 120 miles an hour like the guy in the movies speedometer said he was, would totally not even touch a two ton hunk of metal that NOT MOVING!"

Edward and I continued our bickering as we neared the Volvo. We heard a horn blare from beside us. I glanced over, and Emmett was in his Jeep.

"Emmett?"

"Sista! How was the movie?"

"Emmett," Edward growled, "You were there, you know what happened."

"Emmett, you were there?"

"Yeah, I heard that it got really great reviews, and-"

"Emmett, you've seen that movie 12 times!"

"Have I, Edward? Well, seeing as the first 11 times I was with Rosalie…"

"Oh my God, Emmett!" I blushed and looked down at the ground.

"And I wanted to see my favorite sister!"

"Emmett, we were on our way home, we would have been home soon anyway."

"And, my dead brother, I wanted to try this."

Emmett revved his engine, and then sped off towards the Volvo. He hit the rear end, and flew up into the air. The Volvo's roof crashed down, and Emmett's booming laugh filled the air, echoing off of the building surrounding us. Edward walked over to the Volvo, and ran his hand over side.

"Well, I'll be… it actually did."

I giggled.

A/N Hello my lovelies, do you think that I should continue this? I found a bunch of overused movie clichés, and I want to take them and Cullenize them. It would be written in one-shot form: even though they are all in one story, they are not interconnected. Review, and tell me what you think!

3 April


	2. Running

_**Running**_

_**By xxfanpirexx**_

_**Cliché type: Chases**_

_**POV: Third Person**_

_**Story type: Alternate universe, all human**_

"Come out; come out, wherever you are…"

Mike Newton's voice, high for a man, echoed through the empty warehouse. His boots made footsteps that bounced off the walls, and came at Bella and Edward, who were trying to find a way out without getting caught. Even thought the warehouse was empty of product, there were many old machines, dormant since the mid-sixties.

Bella and Edward were weaving through the lanes of machinery, yearning to be released. There was one, small, uncovered piece of concrete, and once they reached it, it was there, rather than in the mess, that Bella fell. As Edward stopped to pull her up, Mike's footsteps came louder, and closer.

"Tsk, tsk, you actually think that you can escape? Not very likely…" He called out, he voice creeping into the couple's ears.

Edward grabbed Bella by her hand, and pulled her from the ground. Even though they could run faster on their own, nothing was more important to either of them than staying together, whether alive or dead. They would die together, rather than leave the other behind.

Bella mentally cursed the high heels Alice had put her in. Bella had commented on their impracticality, to which Alice replied, "It's not as if you will be doing much running tonight, right?"

Bella and Edward were quickly tiring, their energy draining as they pushed themselves farther and farther away from Mike, but it was almost as if the energy that dissipated from them, was absorbed into Mike's body.

The two kept stopping to throw various objects lying around the machinery in the path behind them, such as trashcans, and planks of wood.

But, it took Mike less time to jump over the things than it took Edward to throw the things down. Mike was getting closer and closer.

"Here kitty-kitty… you will never get out of here…until I clip your toenails!"

Edward and Bella looked at each other.

"Toenails?"

"You didn't think that I was talking to you two, did you?"

"Well who else is here?"

"I was talking to my kitten, Meowers!"

"Kitten?"

"Well, yeah, my cat and I were walking, and I accidentally let go of her, and she ran into this factory, and I was trying to find her."

"That makes sense, I guess." Edward muttered.

Bella shook her head at him.

"Not really…."


	3. Childbirth

**Babies**

**By xxfanpirexx**

**Type of Characters: Alternate Universe, All Human**

**Cliche type: Childbirth and pregnancy**

**POV: Third person**

"Come on, Bella, you can do it!"

Bella screamed, continued her Lamaze breathing, and squeezed Edward's hand.

"You're doing great, Bella. I can see the top of the head! I'm so proud."

"Shut up."

"Bella, I'm so happy! Soon we will have our little girl, and we will have our own family!

"_Shut. Up."_

"Bella! I've always wanted to be a father, I can't wait to teach her to ride a bike, protect her from boys, show her "

"Shut up! What the HELL do you think you know! God you freaking moron! Let's have you imagine something the size of a boot shoved out of a hole the size of a dime! You can't can you? SO SHUT UP!" Bella screamed.

5 minutes later…Bella was holding a clean baby, with a perfectly shaped head, and dry, thick hair, the size of your average two month old. Bella put a small touch up on her make up that was already immaculate.

"Bella, look at this, our pretty baby!"

"Yes, how cute is she!"

"Now Bella, the doctor said that you have to take it easy for six weeks…"

"OK, I can't _wait_ to go running!"

"Bella! TAKE IT EASY!"

"I will—I'll run 5 miles instead of 10!"

Edward just shook his head and whispered into his daughter's ear.

"I hope you take after my side of the family."

The child nodded solemnly.

A/N

Cliches may not be all that apparent here.

One: Mothers always use Lamaze, never an epidural or anything else.

Two: The babies are the size of 2 month olds, looking perfect and not ugly.

Three: After birth (with the exception of maybe Juno) the mother is always perfectly made up afterward.

Four: The whole 'no strenuous activities' thing totally gets ignored…

Because these chapters are so short, expect more frequent updates, because I can type these up almost anywhere. And I can use my phone as a mass storage device, so I can type at school, and publish later! Just wondering… any guys reading these? And…If you have any types of cliches you'd like to see, let me know.

Please leave a review!!

Ohh and don't forget to check out my other stories "wink wink"

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	4. Begging

**Begging**

**By xxfanpirexx**

**Type of Cliche: Pick Up Lines**

**POV: Bella**

**Story type: Alternative universe, all human.**

I was at a club that Alice had dragged me to. I self-consciously pulled on the dress that Alice had poured me into; it was about 5 inches too short. I glanced around, and saw Alice and Rosalie grinding against each other on the dance floor.

"Good God..." I muttered. I wished I weren't single—it made going to clubs suck, because all of the guys there were major horn dogs.

I sat at the bar and ordered a drink, nothing girly: I needed hard liquor. I felt an overly warm arm on my waist,

"Hey, babe. You owe me a drink."

"What the hell are you talking about?

"I looked at you. And dropped mine."

I shoved the guy off of me, and began to walk back to the couch, when another man showed up.

"Let's get drunk and take advantage of each other."

"WHAT!"

" Or, I could get drunk and you could just take advantage of me. "

I glared at Sparky. "Or, better yet, I can stay here and get drunk and you can go home and take advantage of yourself!"

I had to get out of here! It was torture! Gag! I tried calling Jacob, my ex-boyfriend to come get me, when a kid walked up to me.

"Should you even be here? I think you should be at home playing with your tickle me Elmo." The spas looked at me, and smiled.

"My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to." He waggled his unibrow at me.

As I desperately tried to leave, a very overweight teenager walked over to me.

"You look like my first wife. And I've never been married."

I shook my head; an high tailed it out of there.

More people came up to me with stupid pick up lines that night. Then, a huge man walked up to me.

"Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?"

"No, I don't" I sighed.

The man smiled at me, and winked.

I laughed. I like him.

"I like you. You're funny. I'm Bella." I stuck my hand out for him to shake.

"Emmett. Is that your friend over there?"

A few minutes later, I had introduced him to Rosalie. I was about to get another drink, when a tall blonde walked up to me, talking on his phone.

"I'm telling you, Ed. These are the most beautiful eyes ever."

He looked at me, and smiled.

"Can I take a picture of your eyes?"

"Sure…"

He snapped a quick picture, and sent it to his friend.

"See, I told you!"

I laughed.

"Bella."

He smiled at me. "Jasper. Is that your friend over there, the one with the black hair?

After hooking _him_ up with Alice, I finally was about to get that drink, when a bronze haired man walks up to me.

"I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?"

I had had it with the pick up lines, but for some reason, this man was different. I smiled, and blushed, looking down.

He put a long finger on my chin, tilting my head up.

"I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?"

I laughed and hugged him.

"I'm Bella."

"I know."

"…"

"My friends and I overheard a group of guys saying that they could buy you drinks, and we said that one of the three of us could at least get your number. They got shot down, but I think I may have a chance. After all, I didn't more or less ask you to violate me in any way."

I laughed at his silliness.

"I'm Edward, by the way."

"Well Edward. Let's get a drink."

A/N Not really a cliché, but they are overused. I had a hilarious list of clichés I wrote with DelilahTCullen, but I accidentally deleted it. Curses.

CHECK OUT MY POLL! WHAT STORY DO YOU WANT ME TO FOCUS ON?

Please leave a review!!

Ohh and don't forget to check out my other stories wink wink

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	5. Of Note

I have decided that I will finish my story Time Moves On before I upload chapters to any of my other stories. They are only on Hiatus, they WILL BE FINISHED! I wish that I had finished one story before I uploaded another, because when I have people asking me when my next update will be, it gets very tiresome, especially when I have limited computer time.

So, I will finish Time Moves On, which should be finished, hopefully, before school gets out in June. I will then work on finishing my other stories.

After TMO, I plan on finishing PRANKS! Which is supposed to have about 10 or 15 chapters, maybe less.

After that, there will be To Humiliate a Cullen, which I think may have 10 or 15 chapters as well.

I do not think that Cullen Clichés will ever have a definite ending seeing as none of the chapters are interconnected, but I do believe that someday I will know when it is time to end it, and that day could be years from now. I do have ideas for the next stories I want to write, and I would like it if you guys could tell me which one you think I should begin after all of my current projects are done. SO, while this story may not have updates for a while, please note, that I am not done, and I do intend to finish it.

XOXO

April


	6. Bombs

Bombs/Languages

By xxfanpirexx

Cliché type: Bombs and Languages

POV: Third Person

Story type:All Human, Alternate Universe

"Mwah ha ha! Let's see you try to get your way out of this!"

Agent Edward Cullen and his hot French girlfriend, Bella, were trapped in Dr. Newton's secret lab. Dr. Newton was the friendly neighborhood mad scientist.

"No! I shall escape with my hot French girlfriend and we will survive!"

"How? You are tied to meat hooks hanging from the ceiling, and this bomb is set to go off in exactly one hour. You are trapped!"

"Er hat Recht! Wir werden eingeschlossen!"

"Never fear, my sweet Bella, we will escape!"

"Well...good luck with that. I'll see you...never! Mwah ha ha!"

Newton hit a button on his fancy remote control (simple black rectangle with a single, circular red button) that set off the big, blinking, beeping, red, LED timer on the bomb, helpfully letting them know when they were going to die.

"Stiamo andando morire! Stiamo andando morire! Stiamo andando morire! Stiamo andando morire! Stiamo andando morire! Stiamo andando morire! Stiamo andando morire!"

"Shut up! You're not helping!"

Bella swung back on her hook and kicked Edward in the chest.

"ÅAÉAÉÅÉäÉJçìï]ÇµÇ»Ç≥Ç¢! í˜Ç‹ÇÈÇÊÇ§Ç…éÑÇ…åæÇ¡ÇƒÇÕÇ¢ÇØÇ»Ç¢!"

"Stop! We need to keep our cool. Now, let's find someway to get us down, so I can dismantle the bomb!"

"Goed geluk met dat."

"Pessimist..."

Edward looked up at his hook. If only he could somehow pull the rope over the end...

Using his brute strength, he 'jumped', the rope coming off the hook. But he'd undershot, and stabbed through his hand with the meat hook.

"Gah!"

His weight on his hand was enough to rip the hand clean off.

"Πάρτε το αίμα σε αυτούς τους φόρεμα και κύβο."

Edward began to crawl towards the bomb.

"Levante-se, você idiota! É sua mão que está sangrando, não seu pé!"

"Oh, right. Good point."

He stood up, and walked towards the bomb. Five minutes until detonation...

Edward looked at the bomb, where there lay the handily color coated wires.

"Blue wire defuses, red wire makes everything go boom."

"Нет! Вы околпачиваете! То ОН назад я говорит вас! ОН НАЗАД!"

"Will you shut up!"

"Gingen wij niet alleen over dit?"

"Good point. Again."

"Schneiden Sie einfach den verfluchten roten Draht bereits, also kann ich automatisch ansteuern."

"Okay, I will."

Edward reached out and cut the red wire. Bella screamed.

Nothing happened.

"Stop screaming!"

Edward looked at the bomb, that hadn't detonated.

"Whoa. Only one second before we would've died."

"Eso es grande. Precioso, incluso. ¿Pero puede usted CONSEGUIRME TRAGA?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Edward walked over to her, and cut her rope, with the pocket knife he had tucked behind his ear.

"Вы."

"Don't mention it."

"Certezza.."

Edward looked at her with a very confused expression.

"Can you even speak French? I've heard you speak Greek, Italian, Japanese, Dutch, German, Russian, and Portugese. But not French. Can you speak it?"

Bella looked at him, and slowly shook her head.

"Non."

A/N You guys probably get all of the bomb references, but the languages ones are the fact that somehow, the protagonist can understand basically every language.


End file.
